Must I really hate my family?

Jesus said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple”. Luke 14:26

I’ve long felt that “hate” must be just about the ugliest word in the English language; it’s somehow so horribly naked and uncompromising. I once heard a top snooker player on television talking about his chief rival (somebody who usually beat him, as it happens): “I hate him,” he said, and it seemed almost worse than an obscenity.

Which makes it all the more difficult to swallow Jesus’ words here. We recoil in distaste at the very thought of “hating” our nearest and dearest.

Yet here it is. And if we believe in the authority of scripture we don’t have the option of dismissing it out of hand. We have to grapple with it. So: what sense can we make of it if we want to take it seriously and not water it down?

First, a bit of technical background is helpful (scholars, by the way, aren’t just out-of-touch egg-heads tucked away in their universities!). GB Caird was an authority on the biblical languages, and he wrote: “The semitic mind is comfortable only with extremes - light and darkness, truth and falsehood, love and hate - primary colours with no half-shades of compromise in between. The semitic way of saying ‘I prefer this to that’ is ‘I like this and hate that’.” I think that helps a lot.

It’s worth noticing that Matthew, in his gospel, gives the same truth as Luke, but in this softer form: “Anyone who loves his father or mother... his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me...” (Matthew 10:37).

Second, it is vital to take this saying (along with everything we read in the Bible, of course) in the context of the whole. Did Jesus himself literally hate his own father and mother? Well, the tender way he treated Mary while hanging in torture on the cross would certainly suggest otherwise. He took the trouble to commit her to the care of “the beloved disciple” (John 19:26-27).

Still more, Jesus teaches us to love even our enemies (Matthew 5:43-44). Wouldn’t it seriously stretch credibility, then, if we were at the same time commanded to literally hate our loved ones? And still more again, didn’t Jesus himself show love even to those who crucified him: “Father, forgive them...” (Luke 23:34)? If Jesus had really meant “hate” in that ugly, naked sense that it has for us today, well, he certainly wasn’t true to his own teaching! In fact, wouldn’t he be a hypocrite, teaching something he didn’t himself practice?

The essential truth behind Jesus’ words is simple: “I come first. Loyalty to me outweighs loyalty to any other person or cause. If you decide to come after me, good, but be prepared to make some hard decisions.” 

And this, of course, is a truth which many Christians are called to act on today. Think of the couple called to missionary service far away from home. Think, even more, of the Muslim who opts to follow Jesus at the agonising cost of being disowned by their family. And think of Jesus’ further sobering words to all of us that we must “take up the cross” in order to follow him. 

Christian discipleship is no joke, no hobby, no pastime. It is a serious business - and this passage makes that clear even after we have allowed for the factors I have mentioned.

This prompts a further reflection. We live in a culture that is very keen, in theory at least, on “family values”. I mustn’t get too cynical here, but it always irritates me when I hear politicians in particular (not least prime ministers) telling us that they may not be Christians in any strict doctrinal sense, but that they do “believe passionately” in the Christian emphasis on family values. 

I find myself wondering if they have ever read these sobering words of Jesus. They are, in effect, making themselves more “Christian” than Christ. “Family values”? The plain fact is that allegiance to Jesus can give rise to deep and painful divisions in families. 

Yes, let’s value all the positive things the Bible says about husbands and wives, sons and daughters; but let’s also be true to Jesus himself and not duck his blunt warnings to us about “counting the cost” of following him.

Ultimately the only family that matters is the family of God our heavenly Father.

Father, I thank you that family is your invention, to be cherished and valued. But I pray too that my loyalty to you will always be my top priority. And I offer a special prayer for those many people today whose hearts are breaking because they have heard the call to put Jesus first. Amen.