Feeling a failure?

Then the Philistine said, “This day I defy the armies of Israel! Give me a man and let us fight each other.” On hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified…

David said to Saul, “Let no one lose heart on account of this Philistine; your servant will go and fight him.” 1 Samuel 17:10-11, 32

It was a sad conversation. I was chatting with a fellow-minister who, like me, was beginning to look towards retirement. “I have to admit that for some time now I’ve been running on empty”, he said.

He felt he had nothing left to give, and was just longing for the day when he could step down from pastoral ministry.

I didn’t know him at the time of his ordination, many years earlier. But I had no problem imagining the excited high hopes, the idealism, the years of study, the greetings and prayers of Christian friends; after all, I had been there myself.

And now… “running on empty”; or, to borrow the title of a Graham Greene novel, “a burnt-out case”.

The story of Saul and David in 1 Samuel gives us, among many other things, a fascinating study in contrasts: Saul, the burnt-out case, and David, the red-hot man of God.

It reaches its climax in chapter 17, where we read that Saul – earlier described as “as handsome a young man as could be found anywhere in Israel… a head taller than anyone else” (chapter 9) – is now  “dismayed and terrified” along with his whole army.

Where did it all go wrong? This is a man, after all, who had had a special experience of the Holy Spirit, what today we might call a charismatic experience (10:9-11).

The story, starting in chapter 9, isn’t entirely easy to piece together (for one thing, the Hebrew text of a key verse, 13:1, is completely unclear), but there’s little doubt that even from very early on Saul was guilty of disobedience which sprang from a collapse of faith. In 13:7b-14 he seems to have panicked under stress and tried, in effect, to force God’s hand by taking to himself a responsibility that wasn’t his to take. In 15:1-23 he failed to carry out God’s (admittedly grim) commands.

God, through the prophet Samuel, saw fit to deal with him extremely severely. How Saul’s failures were ultimately judged by God we aren’t told, and it’s none of our business to ask. But sadly there’s no indication of a happy end to his earthly life (chapters 29-31).

The church today has its share of Sauls and Davids, and not just among ministers. What happened to Saul could happen to any of us, albeit in our far less dramatic circumstances. Even while you read this you may be thinking, “Yes, I’m afraid I’m a bit of a Saul. I’m just a shadow of the Christian I used to be. Oh, I’m still a believer, no problem there. But that deep, warm, personal relationship with God has withered – it’s all become dry, formal and mechanical”.

So the obvious question is: What should I do about it?

Let’s say, first and foremost: God forbid that we should assume that once we have been guilty of disobeying him there’s no more hope for us. No!

But certainly the key to getting back on track with God is to have a serious stock-take of where we are and where we’ve gone wrong. The key words are total honesty and heartfelt sorrow – in fact, what the Bible calls true repentance.

The story of Simon Peter, a New Testament counterpart of Saul, can give us great encouragement.

We tend to focus especially – and very naturally – on the story of Peter’s denial of Jesus before the crucifixion, which is given in all four Gospels. But it’s worth remembering too that on a much earlier occasion (Mark 8:31-33) Jesus actually called him “Satan” (just think of that!) and told him to “get behind me” (“get lost!”, as The Message puts it). What an utterly heart-breaking moment that must have been for Peter.

And yet his restoration by Jesus is clearly spelled out in John 21 – and the next thing we know is that this miserable, wretched failure of a man is standing up in the heart of Jerusalem and proclaiming the resurrection of the very Jesus he had denied (Acts 2).

So while the story of tragic King Saul is one we should take very seriously – disobedience is no light matter – we mustn’t let it drive us to despair. The God of the Old Testament, the God of Saul and David, is no different from the God of the New: a God of mercy, love and grace. He is a God who loves to forgive and to restore!

Listen too to the clear words of the apostle John: “If we claim to be without sin we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).

Are those words you need to take to heart today? Here’s a beautiful prayer you might like to use…

Where is the blessedness I knew

When first I saw the Lord?

Where is the soul-refreshing view

Of Jesus and his word?

 

What peaceful hours I once enjoyed!

How sweet their memory still!

But they have left an aching void

The world can never fill.

 

Return, O holy Dove, return,

Sweet messenger of rest!

I hate the sins that made thee mourn,

And drove thee from my breast.

 

The dearest idol I have known,

Whate’er that idol be,

Help me to tear it from thy throne,

And worship only thee. Amen.

 

William Cowper (1731-1800)