Thinking about marriage

Marriage should be honoured by all. Hebrews 13:4

Today is my thirty-fourth wedding anniversary. So naturally my wife Nina and I, as we were talking and praying earlier, reflected on our years together, the ups and downs, the joys and sorrows. I thought I would use this post to share with you a little of what we have learned, lessons from a combination of scripture and experience. It’s all a bit random really, a mixture of the pretty commonplace and the possibly contentious. But you might just find it interesting. I've arranged my thoughts under seven headings...

(1) Marriage is good! Well, given that it is a gift of God, that’s hardly surprising, is it? But sometimes the obvious needs stating. Marriage is how God ordained that men and women should share their lives together (Genesis 2:18), so how could it not be good?

(2) But marriage is not the be-all and end-all. Marriage may be the norm, but singleness is also a gift from God. Jesus, of course, never married. Paul was a single man, though whether he never married, or whether he had been widowed or divorced, we don’t know. We know for a fact that Peter was married (Mark 1:30), also various of the other apostles (1 Corinthians 9:5). But the point is that no-one who either chooses to remain single, or is unable to find a marriage partner, should imagine that they are in any way second-best. God loves, values and uses the single also.

(3) Marriage needs hard work. This, I suppose, is the big cliché that gets trotted out to every couple considering marriage. But the reason it’s a cliché, of course, is because it happens to be true: a cliché by definition is a truism. Every marriage has tensions, disagreements, dry patches, sometime even major crises. How stupid we are to swallow the superficial nonsense fed to us in a million magazines, books and films! - that marriage is constant ecstasy, always dreamily romantic, with gloriously exciting sex twenty times a week. It just isn’t like that. Every married person has painful lessons to learn - very likely about their own basic selfishness. Learned well, these lessons make us far better people.

(4) Following on from that, one of marriage’s delights can be its sheer ordinariness. I remember the words of an old song: “You’d be so nice to come home to, / So nice by the fire...” I like that! Marriage is, in essence, about companionship. When you get married you are in effect saying to your partner, “You’re the best friend I have ever had or could ever wish to have. I just want to spend my life with you.” 

(5) Marriage is a male-female relationship. In both the Bible and Christian tradition on the one hand, and also in virtually every culture down through history on the other, this has been the case. Same-sex physical relationships is far too complex a topic to go in to here. I hold to the traditional view that they are forbidden by God, though I believe that he loves those who have chosen this path. I can see too that in our modern secular culture people in such relationships are entitled to have legal recognition, civil partnerships. But for the time-honoured definition of “marriage” to be so radically and hastily altered to include same-sex relationships, as it has been in Britain, seems wrong to me.

(6) Marriage is for life - “until death parts us”, as the marriage service puts it. The Bible has nothing positive to say about divorce, though it does open the door to it under certain circumstances. It is ironic that many churches that preach vehemently against same-sex relationships (hardly mentioned in the Bible) are virtually silent when it comes to divorce (about which the Bible has much to say). Is this, I wonder, because so many people in their congregations have been divorced? Or is that just me being cynical? Whatever, life-long marriage is God’s ideal, and we need to strive for it. But that doesn’t mean that God turns against those who have fallen short of the ideal; he still loves them, and longs to give them a fresh start. 

(7) I can’t resist adding... your marriage matters infinitely more than your wedding! Weddings - the whole business of the wedding day, the reception(s) and the honeymoon - have become exactly that, big business, frighteningly expensive and absurdly stressful. All for something that lasts a few days! What needs the planning and preparation infinitely more is the marriage: how much heartbreak might be saved if we got this priority right.

Well, Nina and I look back with gratitude to God for 16 August 1980. It hasn’t always been easy. It certainly hasn’t been perfect. But neither of us would undo a day of it. And for this we thank God. May God bless you too, whatever your situation may be!
  
Lord God, some of us are married, some unmarried. Some have lost their partner, some have been divorced. Whatever our situation, help us to accept it as from your loving hand, and to use our lives for your glory and for the happiness of others. Amen.

How not to welcome the stranger

Don’t show favouritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say “Here’s a good seat for you”, but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet”, have you not discriminated among yourselves...?  James 2:1-4

I visited a church recently where Bibles and other bits and pieces were given out. The lady at the door succeeded in doing this without (a) making any kind of eye contact with me, or (b) interrupting a conversation she was having with her friend over her shoulder. For a moment I felt like turning round and heading off the way I had come (possibly after telling her she could stick her Bibles and other things up her jumper - in Christian love, of course). 

I was pretty cross. I felt that to her I wasn’t a person, just a thing. Occasionally I have come across this kind of treatment in the supermarket or the bank, though even here I generally find people friendly and helpful. Oh well, at least she wasn’t wearing a “Welcoming team” or “Can I help you?” badge.

I went to that church as a Christian. But suppose I had been a non-Christian? a sceptic? someone genuinely seeking the truth? someone in serious need - ill, perhaps, or depressed, even suicidal? Those two or three seconds of rudeness could have done lasting damage.

Well, the scenario James presents us with is rather different, but it raises the same principle: the way we welcome people to our meetings and services matters, and matters very much. 

Of course some churches go too far the other way. The unwary visitor is submerged under a great tidal wave of Christian jolliness, a kind of gleeful evangelical gloop. The badges here don’t just declare “Here to help you!” but they have a big smiley face as well. 

To some this can be equally off-putting. I know someone, a regular church-goer, who hates that bit in some services where everyone is expected to go and greet their fellow-worshippers. Is it any sin to be “a bit buttoned up”, as he describes himself? He even finds the “passing of the peace”, Anglican style, more than he really wants. 

The key words in all this are, I think, “balance” and “sensitivity”. 

Balance means that we offer a sincere welcome without overdoing it - a handshake, perhaps, a smile, a quiet word. Sensitivity means recognising that that thing that has just come through the door is actually a person, a human being, someone who laughs and cries, who asks questions and makes mistakes, who loves and, yes, sometimes hates, who has ambitions and desires, experiences of success and of failure. Someone, in fact - just like you or me. 

I am sure that having a welcoming team complete with an appropriate badge is helpful. But it does carry with it a danger - that is, that people not on the welcoming team subconsciously think that they needn’t bother with this most vital ministry. This is very wrong. It is the job of every one of us to have an eye for the visitor. A little human warmth could change somebody’s life for ever. An attempt at friendliness, however shy and awkward, could be the first step in a relationship that lasts for the next twenty, thirty, forty years. All right, not everybody finds it easy. But so what? Just do it! 

Always remember - that person you are face to face with, whatever the circumstances, church or wherever, is the most important thing in the universe at that moment, infinitely precious to God, and therefore precious also to you. 

When our two boys were small we were on holiday once and saw a sign outside a church: “Your welcoming church!” Well, that suits us just fine, we thought, and made a bee-line there the next Sunday. And nobody so much as spoke to us. Nobody. Not going in. Not coming out. Nobody. 

Ever since that experience I have detested the habit of self-advertisement, self-praise. If there are compliments to be paid, let them be paid by others, not by ourselves. Others, after all, are in a far better position to judge. 

That story has a little sequel. When we got back to our holiday cottage we found that our older son, aged about 4, was clutching in his grubby fist a car which he had obviously filched from the crèche. We were, gasp,receivers of stolen goods! But do you know something? - our pangs of guilt lasted no more than  a millisecond. How wicked can you get! Perhaps we would have felt different if somebody had given us a greeting that day...

Lord Jesus, please help me to see every person I ever have contact with, however briefly, as made in your image and loved by you. Amen.

When Christians fall out

My brothers, some from Chloe’s household have informed me that there are quarrels among you.  One of you says, “I follow Paul”; another, “I follow Apollos”; another, “I follow Cephas”; still another, “I follow Christ”. 1 Corinthians 1:11-12.

A church I know has been going through a very painful phase. I always think of it as happy and united, a good place to be. But something bad has happened, right out of nowhere, and the result is that feelings have got heated and relationships bruised. It is not, by all accounts, a happy fellowship to be part of at the moment.

How sad this is. It isn’t, of course, uncommon, because churches are made up of sinful men and women - saved by Christ, yes, but still far from perfect. And wherever sinful men and women come together there is scope for trouble.

Paul is obviously concerned about the factions that are threatening to split the Corinth church. He loves these people deeply, in spite of their many flaws, and is grieved to hear bad news. But of course he wasn’t perfect either, and I can’t help wondering if he himself may have handled the situation less than perfectly.

First, his appeal to the church members - “Agree with one another! Don’t be divided!” - is fine so far as it goes. But of course tensions in relationships can’t just be eased by command. No doubt if Paul were in Corinth himself he would have some wise advice to pass on to his fellow-Christians; but the fact is that he isn’t. We can only hope that his plea had the effect of forcing them to face the issues and then work out a practical strategy.

Second, I can’t help smiling a little grimly when he tells us that his information has come from “some from Chloe’s household”. I suspect that there might have been one or two less than friendly glances cast in Chloe’s direction as the letter was read out in the church meeting: “So Chloe’s lot have been opening their big mouths, have they...?”

Whatever, the situation in Corinth has the effect of challenging us when things aren’t going right church-wise. Various principles arise which are as valid today as they were then.

First, divisions in Christ’s church are serious, and need to be taken as such; they can’t be brushed under the carpet. Those involved need to get together in a humble and prayerful spirit and seek unity. Everyone needs to be willing to say, if appropriate, “All right, I’m sorry, I acted badly”, or “I shouldn’t have said that.” There’s a wonderful verse in Proverbs telling us that “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (15:1). Yes! A sincere “Sorry” can be massively healing.

Second, there is generally no question of a clear-cut distinction between the good guys and the bad guys. In the situation I mentioned at the beginning I am sure that there are good, solid, gracious, Christlike people on both sides. This is why factions and cliques are so tragic. The temptation to demonise the people you disagree with must be stoutly resisted. They are your brother, your sister.

Third, divisions are not just painful for those in the church, but also tragically damaging in the effect they have on outsiders. Later in this letter Paul speaks of people outside the church shaking their heads in dismay at some of the shenanigans they hear about. What kind of witness is that?

Fourth, divisions are usually tied up with personalities. In the case of Corinth, people were lining up behind either Apollos, Cephas (that’s Peter) or even himself. I’m not sure what to make of the people who were saying “I follow Christ”: were they the truly spiritual element in the church? - or were they just sanctimonious and self-righteous? Whatever, surely their basic claim is right, and we should never forget it: only Jesus matters.

Fifth, divisions, however unfortunate, must not be allowed to plunge us into despair. Churches can, and do, come through them! - often stronger and purer as a result. One day we will all be part of a perfect and totally united church - no factions or cliques in heaven! - so we must make it our business to aim for exactly that while still here on earth.

As Paul puts it elsewhere: “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3). Amen to that!

Father God, thank you for the word of Jesus, “Blessed are the peace-makers”. Help me to be a peace-maker, never a trouble-maker. And please draw near in healing today to every church that is riven by disagreements and factions. Amen.

Failure

You know, brothers, that our visit to you was not a failure. 1 Thessalonians 2:1

Failure... it’s not a favourite word for any of us, is it? Failure is something we fear, whether we’re talking of exams or relationships or anything else.

Have you ever tried to do something for God, only to end up thinking you had failed? Perhaps you offered to help in the children's or young people's work, and it just didn't seem to work out? Perhaps you took on some venture in evangelism, and it fell flat? Perhaps you started a house-group or Bible study, and nobody much turned up?

Yes? Well, be encouraged! It seems that something similar had happened to Paul. Why else would he need to assure the Thessalonian church that his visit to them "was not a failure"? Somebody, presumably, was saying that it was a failure. Or perhaps doubts had come creeping into his own mind that he had had to think and pray through.

Why might somebody think his visit to Thessalonica was a waste of time?

Well, to find out you need to go back to Acts 17:1-10, where Luke tells us the story. 

Putting it very briefly, Paul and Silas seem to have spent about three weeks there. Certainly, they did succeed in winning quite a few converts (verse 4), but the town as a whole turned against them, and in the end they suffered the humiliation of having to beat a hasty retreat under cover of darkness (verse 10). No doubt some of his enemies in the town were delighted: "Huh, he didn't last long, did he! He comes here with his new-fangled ideas, causes a lot of trouble and commotion, and then runs away with his tail between his legs! So much for the mighty apostle Paul...".

But the fact is that Paul did leave behind a group of believers who went on to become an established church (even if it was one with some rather worrying ideas). It wasn't long before he was writing to them what we now know as Paul's Letters to the Thessalonians.

Here's a great truth, but one which we often fail to drive into our thick skulls: God judges "success" and "failure" in a very different way from the non-Christian world - indeed, in a very different way from the way we Christians sometimes do. It simply isn’t all about big numbers and the trappings of success. 

Wasn't there a time when even Jesus "could not do any miracles..." because of the people's lack of faith (Mark 6:5)? Was that “failure”? 

I don't imagine that Paul was happy for one moment about having to "do a moonlight", but the fact is that his seemingly unsatisfactory time in Thessalonica bore some real fruit - and lasting fruit at that.

The Bible suggests to us that nothing you ever seek to do genuinely for the glory of God will ever be in vain. Yes, you may have been misguided in what you tried to do. You may have made mistakes and "messed up". You may even be right to feel a bit guilty - perhaps you were plain wrong to try what you tried; it was arrogant and bull-headed. Face facts: there may be serious lessons to be learned!

But if you acted in true sincerity of heart, seeking only God's glory, then God will turn your efforts to at least some kind of "success".

So... you feel a bit of failure? The devil is whispering into your ear "That wasn't much use, was it"? Don't worry! Just seek to do God's holy will - and leave him to judge what is "success" and what is "failure". 

Father, I confess that there have been times when I seem to have tried so hard but achieved so little. Please help me to leave the judgement of success or failure solely to you, and not be cast down by other people's reactions - or by my own negative thoughts. Amen.