A tormented heart

Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Psalm 32:1-5

A man in his fifties recently called the police and told them about a murder he had committed in his twenties. He has a terminal illness and doesn’t expect to live long, so he has decided there was “something I need to get off my chest”.

Well, I hope he finds some measure of peace, even if thirty years late.

Who knows, perhaps somebody might tell him about Christ, and the way his blood shed on the cross is enough to wash away all our sins.

Perhaps somebody might point him to a passage like Psalm 32, where the writer (traditionally thought to be King David) describes the agony of living with a guilty conscience: “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me…”

Most of us can only imagine what it must be like to live a “normal” life with such a shadow on your conscience…

Can you ever be really happy? Perhaps you marry and have children – but as you experience the joys of parenthood, as you watch your children sleeping innocently at night, can you escape that gnarling memory? You succeed in your job and become rich and powerful, but in your deepest thoughts it’s just ashes in your mouth. You sit by a pool soaking up the sun on a wonderful luxury holiday, but even as you sip your drink that terrible haunting broods over you.

This is where verse 5 comes to us as the best news we can ever receive. Says David: “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.” How clear, how simple, can you get! God loves to forgive.

A person who has committed murder is obviously an extreme case. But in reality all of us are in the same situation. All of us “have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Who has a perfectly clear conscience?

I think I can claim to have lived an averagely OK life; certainly a “respectable” one. But there’s no getting away from the fact that the older I get and, being retired, the more opportunity I have to take stock of the past – well, the less I like the person I have been, and to a large extent still am.

Oh, no murders or other gross sins, don’t worry about that! But didn’t Jesus teach that anger can be as bad as murder? that lust is tantamount to adultery (Matthew 5:21-30)?

And what about my acts of meanness and pettiness…? The jealousies and spiteful thoughts…? The arrogance and pride…? The tasks done half-heartedly or shoddily…? The laziness and selfishness…? The crude thoughts and flashes of temper…? The – oh, I could go on a long time! And so, I suspect (if you will pardon the cheek), could you.

The man I mentioned would probably have spent a major chunk of his life in prison if he had either confessed at the time or been found out. But I wonder if, given the way he’s feeling now with death approaching, he might have preferred that.

Somebody might object: This is all very well, but what about the person he killed? Going to the police now won’t do them any good, will it? A death-bed conversion, if that’s what it is, seems all too easy, too convenient.

That’s understandable. But while the murderer might escape human justice, he can’t escape the judgment of God. And if God knows that his heart is not truly sorry, then there will be no forgiveness.

There is a very big difference between repentance – true, heart-felt sorrow with a genuine desire to change and make amends, so far as that is possible – and remorse, which may be merely regret born of self-interest. We may not be able to tell the difference, looking on. But we needn’t doubt that God can. And as for the murder victim, what can we do but leave them in the hands of a perfect, just and holy God?

The point of all this is very simple: a guilty conscience on the one hand, and inner peace and happiness on the other, cannot co-exist. They are at war with one another. Even a true Christian flirting with sin is bound to be a miserable Christian, however big a smile they may put on.

If there is repenting to be done, the time to do it is now. Not tomorrow or next week, but now. And then we will be able to join in David’s joyful declaration: “Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered!”

Blessed indeed!

Father, thank you for the word of Jesus that there is rejoicing in heaven over every sinner who repents. If there is anything of which I need to repent, please give me the honesty and humility to do so – and so to enter into the peace and joy which only you can give. Amen.