Whoever has ears to hear...

To answer before listening – that is folly and shame. Proverbs 18:13

A kind person once said to me, “I want to thank you for being such a good listener”.

Well, any compliments gratefully received, of course. But if ever a compliment was undeserved, this was it. What my friend didn’t know was that the main reason I listened was because I couldn’t think of anything to say. Behind that calm, sympathetic exterior my brain was probably working overtime, “How on earth do I respond to this person’s need?”

We ministers are expected to have answers to people’s problems. But of course that isn’t always the case, not by any means! And surely in general it’s a good principle… if you haven’t got anything to say, well, don’t say anything.

The point Proverbs 18:13 is making is simple enough: cultivate the art of listening because it’s both a wise and a polite thing to do.

I had an interview once with a bank employee – we needed to talk about a mortgage or something. As I explained my query I could see her eyes glancing down at the papers on her desk. She kept murmuring “Mmm”, “Yes, I see”, “Of course”, but I could tell she wasn’t actually listening to me, not in the sense of giving me her full attention. And I imagine we all know the experience of talking to someone in a roomful of people, and you can see their eyes looking over your shoulder, obviously more interested in what’s going on behind you than in what you are saying.

I’m sure I’m as guilty in this area as anyone, so this simple Bible verse is for me as much anybody else. To give someone your undivided attention, to focus seriously on what they are saying, not butting in or coming up with some shallow remark or solution, is enormously important. At the lowest level it’s just plain good manners. But it’s also a way of saying, “You matter to me. I see you as a person, a fellow human being, not just a shape filling a bit of space in my life”. And that can be massively important especially for someone with little self-confidence.

Why do we find listening so difficult? No doubt there are various reasons. Here, in no particular order, are some that spring to mind…

First, we are just too plain busy – we don’t have the time to stop and listen. But, make no mistake, we would happily find the time if the other person was someone we valued.

Second, we are so full of ourselves that the only opinion that matters is mine; we don’t mean to ignore that other person, but subconsciously we have already dismissed them.

Third, what if what we heard were to challenge some long-held view or prejudice? Are we too lazy to do some serious thinking and perhaps adjust our views accordingly?

This is particularly a danger in our modern shouty, over-heated atmosphere. You think of people who demand that someone with “unacceptable” views should be “no-platformed”, never mind that those views haven’t actually been listened to. Or of the messages - hate-filled, obscene, perhaps - that get posted online because someone has decided to take offence at an opinion they have never seriously considered. This kind of mentality is truly a curse of modern life. God help us never to get sucked into it!

Fourth, we are afraid the other person might make some kind of demand of us. If we take seriously what they say we might feel under an obligation to do something, and that might disrupt our comfortable life.

Fifth (let’s be totally honest), that other person is just so boring. Well, all right, there may not be much sparkle to their conversation – but can you imagine Jesus stifling a yawn and turning away from some poor soul who rattled on a bit?

Perhaps these reasons for being a bad listener come under that word “shame” in Proverbs 18:13, shame in the sense of “insult” or “bad manners”.

But the writer tells us also that failing to listen is a “folly”. In other words, we don’t do ourselves any favours by it. I suspect that all of us have said to ourselves from time to time “If only I had listened to what so-and-so said! – it might have saved me from a big mistake.” It’s no accident that Jesus gave us his take on this whole question (albeit in a slightly different context): “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear” (Matthew 11:15).

Proverbs 18 has quite a bit to say about words. In verse 2 the writer has already expressed much the same thought: “Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinion”. Ouch! Does that make me – or even you, perhaps – a fool?

A memory comes back to me from a Sunday School teacher many years ago: “It’s no accident that God has given us two ears and only one mouth…”

Oh Lord, help me to be a truly good listener! Amen.