Thinking about marriage

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church… Ephesians 5:22-25

I suspect I wasn’t the only person, nor the only Christian, to feel sad about the break-up of the marriage of Bill and Melinda Gates.

As far as I am aware, they don’t profess to be Christians; but somehow, in a moral environment where divorce has become almost routine, where, indeed, marriage itself has begun to look seriously outdated, they gave an impression of stability in an increasingly unstable world.

Not Christians, perhaps; but, to use an old-fashioned word, they came across as wholesome, living a solid family life and devoting a lot of time and energy – not to mention money, of course – to worthwhile causes. And then – oh dear! - it all turned out to be hollow and blighted.

The thought that came to my mind was this: If such an event has the effect of causing millions of people to shake their heads in sadness, how much power does a solid, truly durable Christian marriage have in order to be a blessing and encouragement to many people who barely know the couple involved?

I hesitate to write this, because I know that talk of marriage can be very painful – for people who aren’t married but wish they were, or who are married but wish they weren’t, or have been married but are now on their own, for whatever reason. I’m directing these thoughts, really, to those of us who have been blessed with happy marriages (though not by any means perfect, of course!).

Putting it another way, the Gates break-up made me very aware that a marriage doesn’t exist just for the couple themselves and their families, but for the wider community to which they belong.

The book I used to use when conducting a wedding has a paragraph which describes “the purpose of marriage” in fairly conventional terms, starting off, naturally enough, with the bride and groom. But it finishes with this sentence: “It was ordained for companionship, health and strength between husband and wife and for the welfare of society as a whole”.

“The welfare of society as a whole…” Really? I wonder how seriously we take that? Can our marriage really be a blessing to the people down the road that we hardly know? To the people at my work-place? To people with whom I share an interest through a club or society?

Answer: Yes! Yes, it can. For this world in which we live is unstable – politically, economically, socially - often quite frighteningly so. To borrow the words of the prophet Isaiah, the very foundations often seem to be shaking (Isaiah 24:18). And people who convey a sense of stability and calm bring reassurance to those around them. (So, of course, can unmarried people – I’m not forgetting that; but the married couple does so in a very special way.)

There are various ways this might happen. Couples (or singles) uncertain about their future, or troubled by problems, might feel moved to seek advice as well as example. The gift of hospitality, whether a full-on meal or just a coffee, can be massively helpful - my wife, as a stroppy teenager, remained in her local church largely because of couples who opened their homes to the young people; never mind that it was the biscuits and coffee rather than anything else (nothing “spiritual”! – oh no) that kept her going, the fact was that they were happy homes, and that meant a lot to her.

And, of course, the solid couple who have weathered a few storms and gained a few battle-scars (let’s be honest!) will have much to offer to those just starting out who are struggling with what seems like a major crisis. And as for the horrors – sorry, joys – of child-rearing…

You sometimes hear it said of a couple that “they just live for one another” or “they always do everything together”. Which sounds wonderful. But I’m not sure it is. Just as a church which is mainly inward-looking is unhealthy and likely to shrivel, so a marriage that is all about just “us” is heading for trouble. It needs a purpose beyond itself.

My wife and I aren’t particularly romantic, but after forty years of marriage we tend to hold hands if we’re out for a walk. A few years ago we were on holiday, strolling through a west country village. An old chap on an elderly bike went by. As he passed he shouted out to us with a cheery smile, “I wish I had somebody to hold hands with!”

And we realised afresh that in our marriage, which has certainly been far from perfect, we have something wonderfully precious. Precious for us, of course; but hopefully, too, precious for other people we may or may not know.

How each couple chooses to interpret the words from Ephesians – controversial words in today’s world – that I’ve put at the top, well, that’s for each couple to decide under God.

But whatever, it can only be healthy if we make up our minds afresh that, whatever our marriage is about, it isn’t just “us”!

Heavenly Father, whether I am single or married, widowed or divorced, please help me to live my life in such a way as to shine something of the light of Jesus to others, and so to make this hurting world a better place. Amen.