The inside you - the real you?

Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy. Proverbs 14:10 (NIV)

Your joy is your own; your bitterness is your own. No one can share them with you. Proverbs 14:10 (Good News)

One of the pleasures – and also the frustrations – of the Book of Proverbs is the way it sometimes dumps a comment in your lap, so to speak, and then just leaves you to get on with it: as if to say, “There you are; make of that what you like”. Proverbs 14:10 is a perfect example: it’s simply an observation, really.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with it. We all have secret selves, joys and sorrows which we carry about inside, and which no-one else knows about. But this verse leaves you feeling like replying to Solomon, or whoever wrote it, “Well, thanks for that pretty obvious observation; you’re right, of course. But what do you expect me to do about it?”

Usually the sayings in Proverbs leave us with a definite challenge, or perhaps a reassurance: “The house of the wicked will be destroyed, but the tent of the upright will flourish” says the very next verse. And you think, “Well, that’s pretty no-nonsense; but yes, I’m glad that God is a holy and just God, and I take seriously his call to be righteous”. And a little further on, verse 21: “It is a sin to despise one’s neighbour, but blessed is the one who is kind to the needy”. And you think to yourself, “Mmm, am I sometimes guilty of arrogance when I look at other people? And do I have a kind and generous heart?”

It’s this sort of unpredictability that makes Proverbs such a great dipping-in book. Have you dipped in recently?

Well, if verse 10 does rather leave us hanging, and it’s up to us to decide for ourselves what we can get out of it that’s of practical value, what can we come up with?

My own immediate reaction is to see it as a challenge to grow in compassion.

The fact is that we can never know more than a millionth part of what is going on in somebody else’s heart. That scowling, ill-mannered teenager – what if he is just beginning to discover unwelcome things about his developing sexuality, and is confused and frightened? That old woman who won’t catch your eye and say good morning – what if she has just come from the hospital and been told that her husband is unlikely to live more than a few weeks? That middle-aged couple who seem to have withdrawn from contact – what if their son and his wife have told them that their marriage is over, so they’ll have to get used to seeing them, not to mention their wonderful grandchildren, much less often? What then?

There’s a lot of sadness about in our world, isn’t there? Not to say sheer heartbreak. But we don’t walk around with a placard round our neck: “I’m very, very sad, so please make allowances for me”. We more likely bottle it up and “put on a brave face”.

Plain bad behaviour is not be excused, of course, and certainly we shouldn’t excuse ourselves. But how often is bad behaviour “plain”? If we knew the full “backstory” behind someone’s character traits and peculiarities, how differently would we treat them? I can’t imagine anyone attempting to excuse Adolf Hitler; but I do remember how I needed to put the book down and spend a couple of minutes looking at the wall-paper when I first read that when he was a little boy his father used to routinely beat him on getting home from work.

It’s a good job that when it comes to judging, God alone knows the full story, isn’t it? No doubt that’s one reason why Jesus stated so bluntly, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way as you judge others, you will be judged…” (Matthew 7:1).

You could take Proverbs 14:10 as a reason for keeping well out of other people’s lives: if I really can’t know another person’s bitternesses and joys, well, I won’t take the trouble to try. But that surely would be wrong. “A problem shared is a problem halved”, they say, and there’s real truth there.

So another challenge arises: Am I the kind of person that other people feel able to confide in? Never intrusive or nosy, of course; but approachable, sympathetic, sensitive, simply kind (isn’t “kind” a lovely word!). Or am I too wrapped up in myself and my own concerns?

We might reply, But I have my own bitternesses too! Yes, indeed. Perhaps then I’m the person who needs to do the sharing…? Yes! Why not?

Whatever, Proverbs 14:10 suggests to me three basic rules of thumb. First: it’s better to make allowance than to pass judgment. Second: always think the best of the other person rather than the worst. Third: remember that even a smiling face may mask an aching heart.

Dear Father, thank you that you know me through and through, yet still love me. Please help me to be sensitive, kind and forgiving to everyone I meet, and to leave any judging to you. Amen.